What if someone walks in?

“Paranoid Daddy” should have been in contention for my blog title: I spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about what my parenting would look like if someone just happened to walk in at any moment.

I’m not talking housework, here: I figure a little chaos is reasonable for a two-kid household. No, I actually arrange the little remnants of Boo’s passage to make it look like she’s been eating balanced meals. To wit:


A lunch of strawberries, a bit of sausage, boiled egg, and milk, right? Not too bad!

Except that Boo ate one bite of sausage and licked a strawberry before she switched over to her preferred meal: napkin ring soup.


That’s when the “WHAT IF SOMEONE WALKS IN?” horror set in – my very own little neurosis! I tore up the egg to look eaten and skewered the licked strawberry to sustain the myth that Boo would be right back to take care of it.

Of course, she ate nothing else.

I think my fear that someone will question my parenting choices drives me more than any inherent desire to be a good dad.

Fortunately, absolutely no one pays me that much attention.