Top 6 Reasons New Dads are Insensitive

New dads are insensitive. There, I’ve said it.

Rachael, my favorite cranky mama (her blog, conveniently, is CrankMama.com), recently posted a satirical bit at Strollerderby about how “selfish” new moms are. You should read it, but just for a flavor, two of the six reasons she cites are that new moms refuse to have sex with their long-suffering husbands. Well, I wouldn’t want moms to take all the heat here, so I came up with a list of six similar reasons that new dads are insensitive beasts.

1. Always with the grabbing – New dads want to grab that baby away from the moms for five or ten non-changing, non-crying minutes a day. Every day! What, do they think moms had those babies just for them?

2. Demanding sex (with themselves) – Some new dads think it’s OK when they dip privately into the ol’ Internet porn trough after only ten or eleven months of cheerful abstinence! What perverts.

3. Stubbornness – New dads won’t listen to moms when you explain the proper way to put on a diaper, even when they bodily shove their husbands away from the changing table and show the correct method! Then, those same new dads don’t acknowledge that their wives have to change most of the diapers!

4. Fashion victims – New dads won’t dress their babies in gender-specific four-piece twenty-seven-snap matching outfits unless it’s some kind of special occasion! As if “baby’s ninth Tuesday” isn’t a special enough occasion! And don’t new dads know how the neighbors laugh to see an androgynous infant!

5. Unrealistic use of language – No matter how accurate it might be, new dads insist on taking offense when moms call their time alone with the baby “daddy’s babysitting.”

6. Insistence on working – Working dads seem to think it’s enough to use all their parental leave, sick time, and vacation time during the postpartum weeks. Can’t they think outside the box a little? I mean, long haul truck driving — that work can be done from home, right?

In case it isn’t painfully obvious (as it wasn’t to some of CrankMama’s commenters!), this post and the post it parodies are both satirical. ‘Nuff said?