Ditching the sample: a carnival ride through the tunnel of mortification

by doodaddy on March 27, 2008

You complained of too much information (squeamish lot, ain’t ya?), so I’ll spare you the "how we got the specimen" story. Even so, if you were repulsed by the last story of my self-effacement, stop now.

I warn you, though, you’ll be missing out on the cool bonus quiz, below!

1. The Window

First of all, you have to be at the hospital lab by 10 a.m. and I’m no early riser. I had hoped for some secret back door action, maybe with a screens like in a church confessional from a Bing Crosby movie. Instead, I found just a locked door and a phone to use for service. When I’d summoned a tech, she jerked open the door, took one look at my shuffling sorry ass and announced loudly in a woody tone "SEMEN?"

Zoinkering hell! What happened to a little discretion in the medical profession?

Anyway, with the cracking voice of a pre-teen, I affirmed her suspicion  and followed her inside, where the eyes of four female and bored cytologists looked up with interest from their work of measuring cyclical friction. I could almost hear them bickering over who was getting this tool’s glop to count. It wasn’t a happy mental argument.

2. The Computer

So the "order" for the damn test wasn’t in her computer, which seemed to be of an early 1990s vintage. (I could hear little "boink-bang-boom-boom" noises coming from inside.)  As she debugged the hard drive I suggested that the paper lab order I was holding might grease the wheels. But no, the tech had to make some calls and I had to fill out yet another form. As I did this, she extracted the vial from the three layers of plastic bag, paper bag, and biohazard bag where I’d ensconced it, the better to deny its existence.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh my god! I thought. Holy jeebus, that’s the last thing I want to see right now. I averted my eyes but, sadly, met hers. There was a distinctly disappointed cast to her features. I don’t think I’m getting any "good volume" smiley faces on my report card.

3. The Escape

Finally I got out of the hospital building, doing my best not to make any more eye contact as I left. I was pretty sure that everyone in the place — that intern, the elderly information desk volunteer, the dude dripping blood on his way to the emergency room — was smirking at me. "Oh, we know why you were here, that’s for sure."

At last I came to a stop at the coffee stand out front, but bolted when the lady in front of me asked me to give her the sugar. I dashed to the car and wallowed briefly in self-pity before resuming normal functioning as an upright citizen.

Bonus Quiz!

Can you find the 18 (count em’!) sexual innuendos hidden within this post? And no, as far as I know, "blogging" is not a euphemism for anything.

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in goofiness,pregnancy for dads ·

{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Xbox4NappyRash March 27, 2008 at 11:04 am

You’ll be getting braces fitted next…

😉

Reply

doodaddy March 27, 2008 at 11:36 am

I know, I’m such a copycat.

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Xbox4NappyRash March 27, 2008 at 12:17 pm

…and ‘hidden’ ? ‘back door action’ certainly wasn’t hidden…

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doodaddy March 27, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Yeah, OK, so I’m not that subtle. Trust me, it could have been a lot worse… did you find the other 17?

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Dan March 27, 2008 at 12:28 pm

18? I got 32!

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doodaddy March 27, 2008 at 12:34 pm

I kinda thought that might happen. Sorry, Dan, “biohazard” is not a euphemism.

But did you find “debugging the hard drive”? That’s my favorite!

Reply

The Other Dawn March 27, 2008 at 12:59 pm

Note to you: you should never use the phrase “back door action” when you are talking about dropping off your semen sample. Zoinks.

Reply

doodaddy March 27, 2008 at 3:53 pm

You found two of the horrible euphemisms! Go you!

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debbie March 27, 2008 at 7:41 pm

Oh my. I am so SORRY you had to go through that. Remind me to tell you about my “vaginal physical therapy” after my fourth kid. The title tells all and is why I can empathize
BUT, as I had humor, I DO appreciate yours!

Reply

doodaddy March 27, 2008 at 8:04 pm

Yeah, I know — the world’s least legitimate plea for pity! Boo-hoo. I’m still glad I don’t have to play the ladies’ role!

Reply

sugarplumsmom March 27, 2008 at 9:46 pm

“I’m no early riser”
“A phone to use for service”??
“jerked (open the door)”
“woody (tone)”
“debugged the hard drive”
“greased the wheels”
“extracted the vile”??
“give her the sugar”
“upright citizen”

Nope… not 18… and I’m not even sure of a couple of the guesses I do have… does that mean I’m a prude? :)

Reply

sugarplumsmom March 27, 2008 at 9:47 pm

HAHAHAH! I just caught a spelling error… extracted the vile should be vial… didn’t mean to insult you! :)

Reply

doodaddy March 27, 2008 at 10:05 pm

You’re on the right track! But no, “extracted the vial” wasn’t one of them. Interesting thought, though!

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Anne March 28, 2008 at 6:12 am

ride through the tunnel
back door action
cyclical friction
boink-bang-boom-boom
debugged the harddrive
grease the wheels
giving sugar

… that’s all I’ve got!

Reply

doodaddy March 28, 2008 at 6:20 am

Very impressive!

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Scott March 28, 2008 at 6:38 am

The only sexual innuendo I kept hearing in my head over and over and over after reading this..is the one that I am so used to hearing.

“You complained”

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doodaddy March 28, 2008 at 7:00 am

I’ll have to add that one to my list! Certainly reveals a little of your, um, psychology…

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debbie March 28, 2008 at 7:16 am

Still don’t know why I link to a bible. I :THINK” I fixed it. The bible thing doesn’t quite correspond with the physical therapy comment!

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Dr. Leah - Transformation Revolution March 28, 2008 at 1:18 pm

Oh oh oh oh oh oh my god! I can’t believe I cannot find all 18!

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Dr. Leah - Transformation Revolution March 28, 2008 at 1:20 pm

I must possibly be a tool for not catching them all…

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doodaddy March 28, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Just going to keep ’em coming?

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Dr. Leah - Transformation Revolution March 28, 2008 at 2:05 pm

How can I best that one????

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Dr. Leah - Transformation Revolution March 28, 2008 at 7:57 pm

I’m at 17. Unless you’re counting self-effacement?

Reply

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