Ditching the sample: a carnival ride through the tunnel of mortification
Posted on March 27th, 2008 in goofiness, pregnancy for dads
You complained of too much information (squeamish lot, ain’t ya?), so I’ll spare you the "how we got the specimen" story. Even so, if you were repulsed by the last story of my self-effacement, stop now.
I warn you, though, you’ll be missing out on the cool bonus quiz, below!
1. The Window
First of all, you have to be at the hospital lab by 10 a.m. and I’m no early riser. I had hoped for some secret back door action, maybe with a screens like in a church confessional from a Bing Crosby movie. Instead, I found just a locked door and a phone to use for service. When I’d summoned a tech, she jerked open the door, took one look at my shuffling sorry ass and announced loudly in a woody tone "SEMEN?"
Zoinkering hell! What happened to a little discretion in the medical profession?
Anyway, with the cracking voice of a pre-teen, I affirmed her suspicion and followed her inside, where the eyes of four female and bored cytologists looked up with interest from their work of measuring cyclical friction. I could almost hear them bickering over who was getting this tool’s glop to count. It wasn’t a happy mental argument.
2. The Computer
So the "order" for the damn test wasn’t in her computer, which seemed to be of an early 1990s vintage. (I could hear little "boink-bang-boom-boom" noises coming from inside.) As she debugged the hard drive I suggested that the paper lab order I was holding might grease the wheels. But no, the tech had to make some calls and I had to fill out yet another form. As I did this, she extracted the vial from the three layers of plastic bag, paper bag, and biohazard bag where I’d ensconced it, the better to deny its existence.
Oh oh oh oh oh oh my god! I thought. Holy jeebus, that’s the last thing I want to see right now. I averted my eyes but, sadly, met hers. There was a distinctly disappointed cast to her features. I don’t think I’m getting any "good volume" smiley faces on my report card.
3. The Escape
Finally I got out of the hospital building, doing my best not to make any more eye contact as I left. I was pretty sure that everyone in the place — that intern, the elderly information desk volunteer, the dude dripping blood on his way to the emergency room — was smirking at me. "Oh, we know why you were here, that’s for sure."
At last I came to a stop at the coffee stand out front, but bolted when the lady in front of me asked me to give her the sugar. I dashed to the car and wallowed briefly in self-pity before resuming normal functioning as an upright citizen.
Bonus Quiz!
Can you find the 18 (count em’!) sexual innuendos hidden within this post? And no, as far as I know, "blogging" is not a euphemism for anything.
March 27th, 2008 11:04 am
You’ll be getting braces fitted next…
March 27th, 2008 11:36 am
I know, I’m such a copycat.
March 27th, 2008 12:17 pm
…and ‘hidden’ ? ‘back door action’ certainly wasn’t hidden…
March 27th, 2008 12:28 pm
Yeah, OK, so I’m not that subtle. Trust me, it could have been a lot worse… did you find the other 17?
March 27th, 2008 12:28 pm
18? I got 32!
March 27th, 2008 12:34 pm
I kinda thought that might happen. Sorry, Dan, “biohazard” is not a euphemism.
But did you find “debugging the hard drive”? That’s my favorite!
March 27th, 2008 12:59 pm
Note to you: you should never use the phrase “back door action” when you are talking about dropping off your semen sample. Zoinks.
March 27th, 2008 3:53 pm
You found two of the horrible euphemisms! Go you!
March 27th, 2008 7:41 pm
Oh my. I am so SORRY you had to go through that. Remind me to tell you about my “vaginal physical therapy” after my fourth kid. The title tells all and is why I can empathize
BUT, as I had humor, I DO appreciate yours!
March 27th, 2008 8:04 pm
Yeah, I know — the world’s least legitimate plea for pity! Boo-hoo. I’m still glad I don’t have to play the ladies’ role!
March 27th, 2008 9:46 pm
“I’m no early riser”
“A phone to use for service”??
“jerked (open the door)”
“woody (tone)”
“debugged the hard drive”
“greased the wheels”
“extracted the vile”??
“give her the sugar”
“upright citizen”
Nope… not 18… and I’m not even sure of a couple of the guesses I do have… does that mean I’m a prude?
March 27th, 2008 9:47 pm
HAHAHAH! I just caught a spelling error… extracted the vile should be vial… didn’t mean to insult you!
March 27th, 2008 10:05 pm
You’re on the right track! But no, “extracted the vial” wasn’t one of them. Interesting thought, though!
March 28th, 2008 6:12 am
ride through the tunnel
back door action
cyclical friction
boink-bang-boom-boom
debugged the harddrive
grease the wheels
giving sugar
… that’s all I’ve got!
March 28th, 2008 6:20 am
Very impressive!
March 28th, 2008 6:38 am
The only sexual innuendo I kept hearing in my head over and over and over after reading this..is the one that I am so used to hearing.
“You complained”
March 28th, 2008 7:00 am
I’ll have to add that one to my list! Certainly reveals a little of your, um, psychology…
March 28th, 2008 7:16 am
Still don’t know why I link to a bible. I :THINK” I fixed it. The bible thing doesn’t quite correspond with the physical therapy comment!
March 28th, 2008 1:18 pm
Oh oh oh oh oh oh my god! I can’t believe I cannot find all 18!
March 28th, 2008 1:20 pm
I must possibly be a tool for not catching them all…
March 28th, 2008 1:33 pm
Just going to keep ‘em coming?
March 28th, 2008 2:05 pm
How can I best that one????
March 28th, 2008 7:57 pm
I’m at 17. Unless you’re counting self-effacement?
Trackbacks & Pingbacks
[...] Oh, by the way, here’s the complete list of sexual innuendos in last week’s "too much information" post. [...]
Pingback by Doodaddy » The TMI Bonus Quiz — March 31, 2008 @ 9:31 pm