My Friend, San Francisco’s Champion Masturbator

by doodaddy on January 16, 2008

Working Mom has a dear friend, who with her husband had a little girl just two months before Boobaby was born. They’re both fantastically sweet, thoughtful, and fun. Cooler than cool. My only complaint (and you knew I was going to have one) is this: They never appear to have any doubts!

They seemingly have no apprehensions about being parents, their lifestyle choices, nothing. And their baby excels. At 25 months she can tell time and speak in full paragraphs (topic sentence and three supporting sentences) and recognize most letters and play Mozart on the ukulele.

OK, maybe not the last one, but you know what I mean, right?

And the dad is super-popular among toddlers because he’s a swinger. You know the type? He grabs willing kids and swings them around over his head in all-out jitterbuggery. And they love it.

Now all this — super-advanced kid, popular dad, supremely confident parents — should make me just a little jealous, right? But it doesn’t. They’re gracious and not boastful, and besides, in some settings I’m the toddler-magnet dad, so I don’t mind passing the role around a bit.

I was sorely tested when they came over yesterday, though. They had come straight from a fertility appointment — they’re shooting for another paragraph-spouting offspring — and dad brought along his manhood report card.

Yep. They call it a report card. And in the matter "at hand" (sorry) he got "straight" As (sorry again): 135 million swimmers per milliliter and a special note from the technician: "GOOD VOLUME." I almost expected to see a little smiley face. I’m not exactly prone to self-doubt, but I can’t help wondering whether my, um, "volume" would rate a congratulatory note from the poor soul whose job it is to measure such things.

I wonder if they sell a home test kit.

Eeeeew.

Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages.
  • email
  • Facebook
  • Digg
  • del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Bloglines

in fears,friends,whining ·

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Helen January 16, 2008 at 6:30 pm

This is officially my new favorite blog. I needed that laugh–thanks!

Reply

doodaddy January 16, 2008 at 8:21 pm

Aw, thanks! You’re my favorite commenter!

Dd.

Reply

Aimee Greeblemonkey January 16, 2008 at 9:18 pm

I have friends going through fertility and I am well acquainted with the report card. I love it. I ask, how did you do *this* month, dude?

Reply

doodaddy January 16, 2008 at 9:33 pm

Our old-fashioned “report card” is that we’re not pregnant, again. I’m too scared to go in for the real one. 135 million? I ask you, how can I compete with that?

Reply

Xbox4NappyRash January 17, 2008 at 9:34 am

I’m laughing on the outside, sobbing on the inside….

Reply

doodaddy January 17, 2008 at 3:28 pm

Or is that too personal?

Come to think of it, maybe I don’t want to think about it… Dd.

Reply

jessicab January 18, 2008 at 9:29 am

We had tried for a while to get pregnant with Lil’ Bum. The doctor had suggested that Mr. Bum be tested first. He was not looking for to it so we just put it off for a while. Fortunately we became pregnant before all of that.

I guarantee you that if Mr. Bum had went through all of that he would not be sharing it with others. No even if he got straight A’s.

Reply

doodaddy January 18, 2008 at 1:37 pm

Sigh. Yeah, I know. I think maybe my friend is going to get his results made into a bumper sticker!

Dd.

Reply

Stephen January 20, 2008 at 12:17 pm

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwww.

Gross.

Reply

chicago pop February 1, 2008 at 1:39 pm

This is hilarious!

Though I hate to admit I think I’m a swinger too.

Reply

doodaddy February 1, 2008 at 2:25 pm

Heck, so am I. I like swingers!

Wait. What are we talking about again?

:), Dd.

Reply

cake February 15, 2008 at 11:04 am

this is becoming one of my favorite blogs too. this post especially cracked me up! i found you through the other mother, some/thing blog party. i will be checking in often.

Reply

doodaddy February 15, 2008 at 4:00 pm

Aw, thanks! Glad to have you around!

Reply

Scott February 28, 2008 at 10:04 am

I’m a little late finding your blog, but finally did…AND lucky me, I found some nice references to masturbation. What a treat.
I used to be a swinger, but that was four girls ago (daughters). The youngest is almost 7, and swinging her over the head would be hernia-inducing.
I’ll be back for more good reading! Most people in my blog circle are women, so I love it when I stumble across more man-blogs.

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 3 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: