Doodaddy

And I’m not the doormat type, hoo boy, I’ve always been the up-and-at-’em, expressing-my-needs-clearly kind of guy. But lately, I’m getting walked all over by everyone — Working Mom, my dear in-laws, even some of my friends! — and I realize that the common denominator is me.

In brief: I’ve become a self-pitying chump. Eeew.

Saturday, Working Mom tried to put Boobaby down for a nap and gave up. I knew what she needed to try — bottle for baby and iPod for mom (so she’s not tempted to engage the baby in “conversation”). The thing is, I hate to be instructive at these moments: they make WM feel incompetent, that she should be home more, that she’s made the wrong choices in life. So I drop the laundry and take over. (I note later that WM doesn’t pick up the laundry where I left off, but goes off to relax. Harumph.)

Saturday night, three in-laws are over for dinner. I’m an exhausted wreck: I do late-night volunteer work on Fridays, I was up early with the baby, I’m just over a cold and still have laryngitis. After dinner, when WM goes to put Boobaby down, three sets of eyes turn to me and await my usual entertaining ebullience.

Do I politely show them the door? Of course not. I serve coffee and keep the conversation going in my gravelly, painful baritone over a friendly game of Scrabble. (My dear BIL, I kid you not, brings out his Game Boy while we play. The man’s 42 and can’t pick up any of the conversational burden.)

I do this because I’m the host. Now where’s that flowery apron?

By not being more assertive, I get to feeling like the hired help. I have only two days to do all the household errands, cleaning, and chores, and WM can’t try a little harder at a nap? My in-laws can’t entertain themselves for a couple of hours?

I cook and I clean and I slave over a hot stove…

Yikes! Who is this talking? Not the old Doodaddy, who was great at expressing his needs, gently coaching others in proper Doodaddy handling, engineering social interactions that were fun but not overly taxing for any of the parties! That Doodaddy has been hijacked by a self-absorbed sap.

I’m working on a theory here, perhaps stay-at-home caregivers get used to self-denial, something along those lines. Whatever it is, I need to fix it.